Category Archives: Experience and Motivation
Building New Gauges
We men love to measure things. And we have, at our disposal, highly accurate gauges for measuring just about anything, including the progress of our lives. I mean, we never have to wonder which careers are most prestigious; which jobs are most coveted; which neighborhoods are most exclusive; which vacations are most glamorous; which cars are most luxurious. Our culture makes sure its gauges remain well calibrated.
“Listen carefully . . . and be wary of the shrewd advice that tells you how to get ahead in the world . . .” (Mark 4:24 MSG).
The problem is, such things are not proper for measuring the progress of any life. There’s nothing wrong with careers or communities or cars, in-and-of themselves. They’re just not appropriate gauges in this context. Using them is like using a thermometer to measure the weight of a steel beam. It doesn’t work. Likewise, improper gauges won’t work for us, for measuring our lives as men. We must create and calibrate new gauges, ones that can properly measure our lives, because they measure the right stuff—like how we’re doing as husbands, as fathers, as friends, as neighbors; and how we’re doing toward becoming the men God intends us to become.
Okay, so what do we do?
Build new gauges for yourself, brother, ones that measure things like . . . how many nights you are home for dinner; or how often you sit down and pray with your wife or girlfriend; or how often you have conversations with your sons or daughters about their dreams or their fears; or how often you meet with brothers in community; or how often you drop what you’re doing to spend time with friends in need. Get practical. Build a simple spreadsheet, for example. Or create a calendar. Do what makes sense for you, but start measuring, today.
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Before I get started, I want to give a baseline for this post to help the readers understand the direction I’m coming from. Fathers, have forgot they play an important role in the development of children and without that stern influence of a man in the home children can grow with extreme deficits.
Men have forgot that we are men. Made by God in his image, and that woman was made for us as an help-meet. Of course times have changed and society has made it so that the men worship women. Hell, I’d go far enough to say we’ve been programmed to believes this mess.
Men are born to be leaders, protectors and providers instinctively. What has happened the last 50 or so years is that the roles have been reversed, since Fathers are not present in the home men have grown up with no model to take after. Women have had to forcibly play both roles in the boys life and do their best to make sure he doesn’t grow up with deficits.
Kudos to the mothers by the way.
I was raised by a single mother, I thought my parents were married up until they separated when I was 8. And my mother did her best to install responsibilities and core values in me. But, without Dad to give me that strict discipline, you know, that firm understanding of why this has to be the way its done, I grew up with deficits. It’s been shown that boys with some some contact with their Father is beneficial, but if not there are side effects.
Consider these nine side effects of growing up without a father in the home:
1. Crisis of identity — A boy’s search for self starts with his father. Without a dad, most boys have a harder time knowing who they are and where they came from. As men, they often have difficulty taking initiative and demonstrating leadership.
2. Silent anger — Anger is a deep-rooted side effect of growing up fatherless. When men are unable to place their anger squarely on their father, where it often belongs, they can suffer from frequent bouts of rage or, on the flipside, serious self-loathing.
3. Need to belong — The need to be part of a family or “tribe” is a powerful force in boys. With a father in the picture, a boy has a sense of belonging; without one, he looks outside the family for alliances and, according to research, is more likely to join a gang. As men, boys without fathers frequently choose alliances unwisely.
4. Loss of value — These boys are most likely to grow up poor, and as men, they deal with lifelong repercussions related to education, work and their overall livelihood.
5. Poor judge of character — Without a dad around, boys are frequently left to model character traits from the world around them, including sports, music and movie stars.
6. Lack of respect — Fathers who don’t show up for their sons exemplify disrespect. That’s what they teach their sons, and that’s what their sons, as men, carry with them.
7. An unfilled void — Boys without fathers usually feel incomplete. As men, many try to fill this void with alcohol, drugs, sex, violence and other self-destructive behaviors.
8. Distorted view of sex — Many fatherless boys have a lot of unanswered questions about sex, which is an uncomfortable topic they are not likely to discuss with their moms. In manhood, they often avoid talking about sex or seeking the kind of practical advice that leads to creating healthy and whole relationships.
9. Troubles with love — Boys without fathers often equate love with vulnerability. In adulthood, these men often have issues trusting others in matters of the heart.
Provided by Charlottepant.com
What does this have to do with dating in St. Petersburg? I’ll tell you…
Above are 9 side effects to men growing up without Men in the home. I’ll tell you how these correlates to relationships in general.
- Identity – Boy who doesn’t have a father grows up soft-spoken and have difficulties with leadership. Lacking the foundation to stand up for who you are, gives you an shaky outlook to women. You’ll end up mistreating the woman instead of being a leader of the relationship, therefore enabling her mistrust for him. Because she doesn’t know where this is going, so how can she feel stable. As kids, we are constantly searching for validation from others give us a sense of self worth and recognition. Boys becoming people pleasers and have no fortitude.
- Silent Anger – Outburst and self-Loathing go hand n’ hand. Think about it, A boy who can’t stand up for himself harnesses anger. He’ll hate himself for not being able to stand up, but harnessing the anger will cause random outburst to those who didn’t see it coming, like a girlfriend, wife, friends, or family. Relationships like this in Da burg is quiet common. Why? As a tool a fear, anger can be use to control a woman.
- Need to Belong – Personally, sports will partially fill this void. In the quest for relationships, the boy becomes needy for attention and without it he self-loathes.
- Loss of Value – Boys will grow up with no sense of high value, as Men they won’t work a job to be able to support the relationship they’re in. What happens is that they have only seen a woman provide for them so it leads them to believe they should find a woman like Mom to support them. They generally will have no pride in their livelihood of life.
- Poor Judge of Character – As mentioned above boys will look for people to model themselves after. More often, it’s they looks towards Musicians, Athletes and Hip Hop Artist. This is just what men see when they’re young. When we begin to model ourselves after celebrities we begin to believe and adopt the mindsets of those we admire. He admires 50cents swag, he’s going to adopt 50’s mindset and traits.
6-9 I’ll save for the final post of the series, but lets dive into the conclusion of this post.
Society has led us astray. Good examples of men, just don’t exist in the controlled media of today. When you see celebs like “Lil Wayne” Diva walk across the stage in some woman’s clothes with his draws showing. How is that going to effect the fatherless kid?
When he only sees a woman get up in the morning, go to work and pay bills, what exactly is he going to grow up thinking?
The woman in St. Pete need to begin to open their eyes and realize what type of dudes they’re getting involved with. A man who grew up without a Father in the home is going to bring some amount of baggage with him from his childhood. Since he didn’t learn how to treat a woman, work hard and learn to lead, he begins let that manifest in his relationships. Think about it?